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haec terra panicea est ~ this earth is made of bread

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Friday, September 24th, 2004
12:21 pm
exerpt from the pastryland herald:

--Prince Salazar Salami, heir to the Salamia throne, ended immortality last night due to complications of the cardiac muscle. A new-fangled diet is suspected to be the cause of death. Those proche to the portly prince report having seen him eat only pork products for the past year, avoiding the savoury flour creations that put Pastryland on the map. This diet, created by a Salamia Meats marketing executive, consists of excluding carbohydrates and filling up on meats instead, therefore leading the body to rapidly lose weight. The side effects, however, can be fatal. Dryden Rigault, the royal family physician, concluded: "He literally porked himself to death."

it is sad when someone you know dies, even if it was somebody you didn't much care for.

thor signed me up for some new waltzercise class tonight at the village centre. hopefully gyrating my buxom self will improve my spirits.

if that doesn't work, then i will count on some spirits to improve my spirits. so help me dionysus.


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Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
9:19 pm
what do you call a large, pastry-eating snake?
a piethon!

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Friday, June 11th, 2004
8:13 am
i hired two new servants this week. thor, my new personal trainer, and bernadette, my new personal mixer. if i had hired bernadette a while ago, i wouldn't have needed to hire thor, because my right arm wouldn't be horrendously larger than the left one from beating squadrons of eggs everyday for my pastries. i just noticed it a fortnight ago when i was being fitted for my Yule Ball gown, a bulging muscular right arm capable of crushing walnuts. so ungraceful!

so now i am on a daily exercise plan to tone down my right arm and tone up my left so my body can be symmetrical again. this morning thor made me do some silly routine with a beer stein and a shotput. honestly, the pain i endure for my craft.

mother suggested i could beat my eggs with my left arm from now on and we wouldn't need thor or bernadette, but what nonsense. dextra, non sinistra sum!


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Thursday, June 3rd, 2004
7:22 pm
when i arrived at my baked breakfast goods course this morning, i felt an ominous stirring in the air. i removed my cloak as usual and hung it with the others, then went to my station and sat down. it was quiche day. i am always embarrassed on quiche day because i crack eggs so poorly, and today was no exception. i took so long picking out the bits of shell that i was the last to deposit my pan on the baking rack above the fire.

that's when disaster struck. as i was leaning down to place my pan, a ribbon on my baking cap came undone and tumbled into the fire! i froze in horror, even as flames blazed up towards my head with amazing speed.

suddenly, i felt a wet slap to my face. i opened my eyes and found myself covered in raw egg mixture. a strange boy was standing next to me, clutching his mixing bowl. "are you alright?" he asked, staring at my singed head. "i... don't know." i think i said. i was in shock. i accepted a washcloth from master chef and hurried away to the washroom.

my cap disintegrated at the touch but my hair was almost entirely intact, aside from a few burnt strands. my face was unharmed though coated with egg. i was pale and quite shaken up but alive.

later, as we were collecting our quiches, the boy who had saved me apologized for splashing me with his quiche mix but i told him i was grateful he had. his blue eyes flushed brightly as i thanked him and told him i would have his back if ever a kitchen disaster came his way. the smile he gave me was quite wonderful on an otherwise awful day.

adding insult to injury (literally), my quiche turned out bad, salty and half-baked.

no. aside from the blue-eyed boy, it wasn't a very good day at all.


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Sunday, May 30th, 2004
3:15 pm
prince salazar salami is escorting me to the village puppet show tonight. he is my latest suitor but hardly the man of my dreams. for dessert last night, i offered him a cinnamon roll for and he refused, mumbling something about a pork-only diet. men in velvet breeches are such pussies!

bof. sal is handsome in a beefy, bearded way, but he's way too pushy for me. on our last date, he kept scrabbling at my bodice. it was a most unappetizing experience.

i thought up a new palindrome though, as i slapped his hammy fingers away:

"Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog!"

i'm not sure what that means exactly, but it sounded quite clever at the time.


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Saturday, May 29th, 2004
10:48 am
this morning, i made cinnamon rolls. they turned out better than the batch from a fortnight ago, although i did get a bit too liberal with the frosting. i love goo, though, what can i say?

i also got in a tiff with one of the kitchen servants who kept insisting they were cinnamon buns. i said they were rolls, because of the rolled-up shape. besides, buns are for putting things in. you put bison burgers in buns. she continued impudently arguing that cinnamon was put in a bun, so i boxed her ears and said it was a seasoning you eejit, now go scald the dishcloths and your common self in hot water. honestly.

here is a portrait of my cinnamon rolls.

aren't they divine? i might pass the baked breakfast goods course this term after all!

note to self: purchase new tablecloth, one that isn't so 15th century.


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